Why I left my career & moved to Newquay for the Winter

I couldn't breathe...

As I drove home from work after, yet another, late night, I felt my hands gripping on to the steering wheel. My chest grew tighter. My jaw welded shut with tension. My shoulders raised up to my ears with the stress of it all. The chronic stress of a life that I just couldn't live anymore.

As I sat at the bottom of my stairs, waiting for my chest to soften, my heart rate to slow down, fearful that could I have pushed myself too far this time... I knew something had to change. And it had to change quick. 

Had thirty years of people pleasing, overworking and self-abandonment, finally taken its toll? My body was screaming out for something to change. It was sending me all the signals to STOP. To hit the pause button on life. To slow everything right down. Yet I kept pushing and pushing. After leaving my relationship of four years and managing the aftermath that unfolding for the 18 months that followed, my stress levels, my patience had been pushed to the absolute limit. Between my emotionally heavy career working in Children's palliative care, illness, grief and bereavement, it all just felt too much. There was no room for me to breathe. I felt scared to breathe fully into my body. It felt too fragile, it felt weak, it felt utterly broken. I was in complete survival mode. 

On the outside, my 'everything's fine' smile, started to wear thin, I couldn't hide the toll it was taking on me anymore. It felt like I was leaking at the seams. The reality that I was in fact, not ok. Far from it. A lifetime role of convincing people I was 'fine'. Abandoning my needs, my desires, my experiences, for the sake of others. Of feeling responsible for others and carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I just couldn't do it anymore. I was fed up of being the 'good girl', the 'caring one', the 'positive one', the 'perfectionist'. I needed to breathe into the fullness of me again. To discover what was important to me. To put my health first. To reassess what I needed. What I wanted in life. To put myself, first. 

And so after a summer of challenging mediation, finalising agreements, mustering every ounce of patience and compassion I had left in me, and edging closer towards putting my past relationship to bed, I decided to take annual leave over the summer. One Tuscan breathcamp, and a 1083 mile road trip down south later, and I decided I was ready to create another life for myself. One where I could breathe. One where my body could soften. One where I could feel spacious enough to try new things, to connect with like-minded people, to stretch out of my comfort zone and realise just how blooming capable I am of so many things... I wanted to LIVE again. To reconnect with the things I love, my creativity, my passions, my curious heart and mind, adventure. FREEDOM. 

My whole life, I'd felt caged. Restricted. And it was time to set myself free. To no longer define my worth by my level of career success, my academic achievements, my service to others. I was ready to acknowledge the fact that maybe, just maybe, I was worthy of love, worthy of happiness, worthy of self-care, without any of those things. Just because. 

As I returned from my summer leave, I felt this new lease of life within me. I knew I still had a long way to go in recovering my health, and lessening the anxiety and stress that had flooded my system. But I felt different. I had hope. I had hope that things could be different. That I didn't have to keep living a life that was destroying my spirit. I no longer had to abandon myself. I'd reconnected with a part of me that felt free, loving, forgiving, empowered. And so I was ready to start making the changes, my mind, body and heart were so ready for. I gave my six weeks notice. The first time since the age of sixteen, where I was leaving my job without another one, or even two, lined up. The first time in all those years, that I was taking a step off the career ladder. A career I'd been building since the tender age of fourteen. I was terrified. Yet I knew it was something I had to do. 

Back and forth I went, am I making the right decision, what if I regret it. Shouldn't I just be grateful for this dream job, this career I've worked so hard for. Can I really throw it all away. This career had become my identity. I'd let it take over my life. I'd let it define my worth. My happiness. I didn't know who I was without it. Yet something deep within me, knew there was more. My body knew there was more to life. In my heart I knew. I knew I was capable of managing anything that came my way. And so I took the plunge. I leaped into the unknown. And as I did... a dream opportunity landed on my Instagram stories...

A dreamy 3-month Winter rental in Newquay...

I couldn't possibly. Six-seven hours away from home, how would I cope. What would I do if something went wrong. How would I manage being that far away from family and friends. What if I break down. What if something bad happens at home whilst I'm away. I can't spend that money on a rental. Am I just running away... and in that moment, I realised I was actually running toward something. My freedom. 

And so despite the odds, the 80k+ followers that would also see this advertisement. The slim chances of this person even reading my message let alone choose me to rent her gorgeous winter haven. I took the plunge. I felt into what this winter rental would mean to me as I reflected on her application. And I clicked, SEND. As the weeks passed, I'd convinced myself that it was highly unlikely, and that I should probably just get on with living my life. And so I went ahead, and the weekend I left my job, I booked another solo camper van adventure and I headed up to the Lake District to spend a weekend of reflection at 'The Quiet Site'.

Pouring rains, occasional sunny spells, wood-fired pizzas, live music and various conversations with lovely strangers later... I sat alone in my van. The quiet started to sink in. My chest grew tighter. My heart raced faster. I'm not ashamed to say the thought that crossed my mind... 'what if this is it?' The chronic stress had taken such a toll on my body, being pushed to my limits had taken its toll, and working for so many years with illness, chronic pain, end of life and sudden death. My body had tightened into a pit of fear, anxiety and 'worse case scenario' thinking. I was always ready to anticipate the worst. And so as I lay there, tuning into my body, breathing, soothing, regulating. I once again questioned, had I pushed myself too far this time. The endless hours and nights, I'd poured into wrapping up a career to the best of my ability, with every ounce of energy I had left in me. Had I done it this time. Had my body had enough. And so I breathed. And I breathed. And I reflected on all of the things I was grateful for. So much so, that the gratitude started to overfill, and my body began to slowly soften. It was like it knew I was listening. I was finally listening. 

In the hours that followed, I opened up my messages. To see that I'd been shortlisted for the winter rental... Could it be?! Could this actually be possible?! Days later, I returned home after a well needed period of deep reflection, and a beautifully timed reminder that I can step out of comfort, and I can thrive in doing so. I opened up a confirmation to read, 'I'd love to have you! 3-month Winter rental, Newquay... As soon as I read your form this morning, I knew it was a perfect match!'

It was happening. I was being given another opportunity, to breathe...

And so, whilst every thought in my head told me all of the things that could possibly go wrong with this solo venture down to Cornwall... in my heart, I knew there were a million and one things that could go so right. And regaining my health being top of the priority. And so I packed my bags, I headed down to Newquay in the weeks that followed, and I arrived at my little Winter haven. 

Of course, the first thing I did, still being a ball of anxiety and stress, I registered with the GP as soon as I arrived, and shortly after was hooked up to another ECG, for a 24-hour test. Because once more, my body was telling me, it was still very much in a period of deep recovery. My healing of a life time of stress, had only just begun, and I was moving at the pace of a snail. But that felt ok. That felt needed. My body's invitation to slow it right down. To experience a slower pace of living. A more tender, compassionate way of relating to my needs, my body, my heart (literally). 

And it was here, that my journey to healing my heart, in every sense of the word... truly began. Not because I was in Cornwall per-se, not because I'd moved hours away from home, but because I'd made the decision to say YES, to me. To say yes, to honouring what my body was trying to show me. To say yes to pressing the pause button on life. To say yes to exploring my relationship with people pleasing, to exploring my over-working tendencies, my relationship with work and my self-worth. I stayed open to the possibility that there might be another way of experiencing life, of relating to myself, and others. One where I could honour my body, my needs, my heart. 

It was in my willingness to stay open, to stay curious, to stay compassionate and to step into the courage that it takes to try something new. And as I continue to reflect on everything that this winter offered me (blog post to follow), I offer myself so much gratitude that I took that first step. And all the ones that followed. Because they brought me closer to me. A version of me where I no longer have to prove my worth. A version of me that isn't scared to breathe fully into her heart, her needs, her desires, her passion. A version of me that can now expand and breathe fully into the unknown, because, I've got me. I know me. And I know this is only just the beginning. And well isn't that exciting.

And so my love, if you're ready to step in, I'm here to tell you that you don't need to travel six hours away from home, heck you don't need to suddenly quit your job, or to hire out a campervan, unless of course you're desiring just that! What will serve you, is an open, curious and compassionate heart. One where you have the courage to imagine another way of experiencing life, another way of experiencing yourself, another way of 'being'.

If you're reading this, and you feel ready to listen to the subtle whispers of your body, to let your heart lead the way, to journey back to a version of you that no longer has to prove, please or abandon yourself for others, it would be my greatest honour to connect with you. To explore if Your Embodiment Journey, my 3-month 1-1 coaching experience, could support you and your nervous system, in the way it so deeply supported and nourished me. This work, this path into somatic coaching and embodiment, changed everything for me. It changed my life. And I can't wait to see how this may change yours too. In the most subtle, yet profound ways... 

I have opened up two more spaces this Spring. We begin this April/May.

Simply pop me message my love and we can explore if this is the journey for you.

So often we convince ourselves that letting go of something, be that energy, time, money, a relationship or a career, will result in us losing out. 

What if it is in the letting go, that we open up the space for something new. Something beyond our wildest dreams. What if it is in the letting go, that we truly begin to create the space for the new to blossom through... The 'new' we've always dreamt of.

It starts with you my love. And I cannot wait to receive you, exactly as you are. 

Sending so much love, from my healing, breathing heart, to yours, 

Megg xxx